What is Flirting?

Flirting is a socially low risk way people let others know that they like what they know of them  (even if it’s just what they look like) and that they would like to have further interaction with them, all without saying so directly or even saying or doing anything overtly sexual or romantic.  It has evolved so that people can use polite, socially-acceptable ways to express their interest in getting to know others and to allow those others to accept or reject them while allowing both to save face (after all, it was just a brief exchange about the weather, wasn’t it?). 

Flirting usually involves eye contact, smiling, conversation, joking, teasing, compliments, mimicry, and physical contact with oneself and one’s conversation partner.  Although none of these things is necessarily flirtatious, all of them can be involved and are good signs to watch out for if you’re wondering if someone is interested in you.  Of course, she could just be having fun.  May people flirt with others they are not truly interested in, so there’s no way to be completely certain.  Don’t stress yourself trying to figure it all out.   

When someone tries to catch another’s attention with eye contact, they are sending a powerful signal.  Looking another person in the eye is a sign of confidence and even aggression (it can be rude under certain circumstances).  The boldness of such a move will cause people to notice the gazer, for better or for worse.  A smile is an almost universal signal of friendliness.  It makes others feel at ease around the smiler and makes then seem more approachable.  Once they’ve caught someone’s eye, they may look away and give him a smile.  This gives the smilee (the person smiled at) an opportunity to express his openness to further attention be returning the smile, or lack of interest by ignoring the smiler.  At this point, one of three things must happen. The smiler must give up because the smilee doesn’t seem to approve of her interest, the smilee approves of her interest and approaches her, or the smiler makes the first move again and approaches the smilee.  By this point, the smiler has made her interest known to the smilee, who will have given either positive or negative signals regarding his interest in having a conversation with the smiler, all within a minute or so and with no words exchanged.  People who appear to be very successful in approaching others generally apply a similar technique, having first gauged the other person’s interest in getting to know them.  This process is incredibly valuable as it saves much time and awkwardness all without forcing either party to expose themselves to rejection or ridicule. 

Once the two are speaking the flirtation can progress.  They express their interest in one another with a combination of actions and words.  They will ask each other questions about their lives, families, and interests.  This provides the asker with a pause on his half of the conversation where they can see if they have any mutual interests or may be romantically compatible.  This also gives the other party a chance to talk about herself (which many appreciate, whether or not they admit it) and paints a picture of him as someone who cares about getting to know her as a person.  Compliments are exchanged.  They show an appreciation for each other’s personality, appearance, and accomplishments.  Too many can leave the other person overwhelmed or make the complimenter look desperate.  This is one reason why people will balance out compliments with teasing.  Many people express affection and intimacy (whether between lovers, family members, or friends) by teasing.  In flirtation, the goal is to recreate

that feeling of closeness by good-naturedly picking on each other.  It shouldn’t be offensive, crude, or mean spirited.  They aren’t trying to hurt each other’s feelings or bring each other down.  It also shows a willingness to treat the person of interest as a fellow human being, not as an alien creature to be worshipped.  Humour is an important part of flirtation, which is often silly.  Jokes are told in attempts to make each other laugh.  This shows that each is a fun person to be around, as people gravitate toward those who make them happy.  If either witnesses something funny, they may make an inside joke about it in order to create a light-hearted sense of “us vs. the world”.

There are several things they might be doing with their bodies.  They may mirror each other’s movements without even realizing it.  This is a signal that they are observing one another closely and that they are interested in each other. They may touch themselves, particularly women.  This touching draws attention to the parts of their bodies they touch, and may cause the other person to wonder what it would be like to have contact with these body parts.  Men will sometimes run hands through their hair to the same effect.  Finally, the two will make physical contact.  They may touch each other’s hands and arms as they speak or touch the small of the back.  This allows them to see if there’s attraction between them. With the right two people, such a touch can be electric.  They can return the physical contact, smile, and move closer to one another if they enjoy the touching. 

 In short, flirting sets the stage to see if there’s a spark between two people that could culminate in a friendship, sex, or love should the bond between them be nurtured.    The next step, either asking someone out or getting his number forces one party to make an explicit request of the other and the other to accept or reject her.  There is no way for them to completely save face here as there is with flirting. Flirting is like a no-obligation free trial.  You get to test the wares before you negotiate to purchase something.  It’s easy to do and nothing to worry about.