I Think My Friend is Flirting with Me. What Do I Do?

Sometimes it can be hard to tell when someone is flirting with you.  After all, flirting is meant to be a subtle way of making others aware you might be interested.  She doesn’t just ask you out and she doesn’t just try to kiss you.  This is because flirting is meant to gauge your interest before she makes a move that could be embarrassing if rebuffed.  For this reason, if you aren’t sure if someone is flirting with you, you might not know how you should react.  The question you need to ask yourself is: “Do I want to flirt with her or not?”

If you don’t want to flirt with her, there are some subtle ways of letting her know.  If she tries to maintain eye contact with you, break it.  Try to spend time with her only in groups and direct your comments, questions, and smiles to the entire group, and not just her.  Face your body towards someone else, but don’t ignore her or be rude.  If you compliment her, stick to school-related or work-related compliments if possible.  These will be less easy to interpret as implying more-than-friendly interest.  If she tries to pay for your food or another purchase, thank her but don’t let her.  If you usually tease each other, tone it down as teasing is one of many indicators of intimacy.  Be aware of your body language.  Don’t touch yourself when you talk to her, or touch her in a way that may convey interest.

 It can be harder to turn down a friend than a stranger, since there are things that friends do that might also be perceived as flirtatious, but may cause distress if you stopped doing them or asked him to cease them.  If he doesn’t take the hint, try being more explicit: “I’m sure you don’t mean it that way, but when you do X, it makes me uncomfortable.” If he still doesn’t stop, you’ll have to decide whether you put up with the unwanted flirtation or end the friendship. 

If you are flattered by your friend’s potentially flirtatious behaviour, you should try a little flirting of your own and see how she responds.  Make lots of eye contact with her and smile.  When you hang out in a group, orient your body toward her.  Tell jokes to keep her laughing and if you think she’s funny, make sure she knows.  Tease her about things you know won’t actually hurt her feelings.  That’s how friends bond, after all.  Round out your teasing with a few sincere compliments.  You want her to know you think she’s great.  Just do overdo it or you may like her feel like you view her as a sort of divine being to be worshipped, not as another person with flaws and good qualities like everyone else.  When you’re talking with her, you can try to subtly mimic her movements.  If she picks up her glass, try picking up yours.  Just don’t act like you’re playing a “copycat” game.  When you’re talking to her, try playing with your hair.  This can plant the idea in her head that you’d like to look good for her and maybe make her wonder what it would be like to touch your hair.  If your flirty attempts have gone well, try touching her occasionally on head, arm, or back as you talk.

Wondering if a friend is flirting with you can be awkward, whether or not you return the potential interest.  Since flirting is by its nature subtle and ambiguous, sometimes the only way to know is to ask someone straight out.  Of course, this exposes the two of you to potential embarrassment, but sometimes the alleviation of the tension of not knowing is worth the risk.