How Do You Flirt?

While some do it naturally and almost without realizing it, many people wonder how to flirt. The purpose of flirting, whether silly and friendly or more serious, is to tell somebody you’re interested in getting to know her better based on what you already know (even if that’s just appearance), without actually saying so or doing anything romantic or overtly sexual.  This allows you to express your interest and for her to either accept or reject it, without either of you losing face.  It’s a risk-free gauge as to whether or not you should ask for someone’s number.  It saves time and effort and allows you to focus your attention where it is most likely to have positive results.

First, you need to spot somebody you’d like to flirt with.  If you’re already acquainted with the person, skip ahead to the next paragraph.  If you don’t know him, make eye contact with him.  This is very powerful.  It’s sometimes instinctual to look away if you make eye contact with a stranger so he may immediately glance away.  Don’t give up.  Try a few more times.  Does he keep looking back at you before looking away?  If you smile, does he smile?  If so, these are good signs that he’s interested.  If he avoids eye contact, doesn’t smile, or suddenly starts fiddling with his phone, he’s probably not interested in talking to you.

If you’ve been getting positive signals or you’re already acquainted, go up to her and say hello.  Ask her a question about where the two of you are and what you’re doing.  Neither the question itself nor the content of the answer is important.  What is important is the type of answer received.  If she rushes through the answer, gives you a one-word reply, or seems otherwise uninterested in talking to you, cut your losses and go talk to someone else.  Be polite.  Just because someone isn’t interested in you is no reason to be rude.  That will just make her feel justified in her decision.

Should he give you a decent answer, you need to build a conversation.  If you two see something silly, make a joke about it.  This can make him feel like you’re “partners in crime” and that you’ve known each other longer than you actually have.  If he says something funny, laugh.  Tell him he has a great sense of humour.  Make sure to tease him a bit.  Find things to joke about with him that are unlikely to offend him.  If you go a little too far apologize.  You might just be able to salvage the conversation.  Teasing is a crucial part of flirting, partly because it builds that sense of closeness mentioned earlier.  To balance out your teasing, compliment her once or twice and ask some questions about her interests.  Make sure the compliments are sincere and don’t overdo them or you may make her feel overwhelmed.  Asking about someone’s interest’s shows you are someone who actually wants to get to know her.  Plus, most people enjoy talking about themselves.

You’ve just read a lot about what you should be saying, how about what you should be doing?  Body language and physical contact (both with yourself and your conversational partner) are important components of flirtation and can make the difference between a conversation being perceived as merely friendly or as expressing interest.  When two people are attracted to each other, they mimic one another’s movements.  You can try subtly mirroring some of his actions, but be careful not to make it look like you’re “copying” her in a schoolyard game. 

Try touching yourself (no, not like that!).  Gentlemen, try running a hand through your hair.  Ladies, apply lip gloss, play with your hair, arch your back, dangle a shoe from your foot, spin a foot at the ankle while your legs are crossed, or touch your neck.  These will all direct an observer’s attention to certain parts of your body and perhaps get him thinking about what it would be like to touch that hair or kiss those lips. 

You don’t want to neglect the person you’re talking to, however.  Try touching her hand or arm lightly as you chat.  Just be aware of her body language.  Does she tense up or move away when you touch her?  Does ask you to stop?  Then stop.  Flirting is only fun if both parties are enjoying it.  If she touches you back, smiles, or moves closer to you, you’ve come to an important fork in the road.  You can either try to keep the conversation going or ask for her number.  Flirting is the easy part with little to no risk of embarrassment.  If you’re just out to have fun, there’s no reason you have to ask her out, but if you feel like it, go for it.  The worst she can do is say no, but if she’s responded positively to your flirtation, she may just say yes.