Flirting at the Bar

Bars are one of the most common settings for flirting.  People are dressed up and looking to have fun and meet new people.  There are several pitfalls that you need to avoid and some preparations to make before you leave for the bar.  The first issue is safety.  Any time that you’re going to be using intoxicants around strangers you should have at least one friend with you.  Your choice of friends depends on your gender.  If you’re a guy, male friends are okay, but a female friend or two can help you with your flirting.  Having female friends points you out as someone who is unlikely to be a creep (or why would women be friends with you?) and makes you seem more valuable (some women respond to competition).  If you’re a girl, you may choose to bring only girlfriends to watch each other’s backs, because even one male friend can cause men to pass you over in favour of the women you don’t have a potential boyfriend hanging around.  If you bring a guy friend, be prepared to do more of the pursuing to make your availability clear.  Make sure as many of you as possible have cell phones so you call each other when it’s time to leave or if any of you get separated. 

The second thing to remember is to look your best.  Choose an outfit that suits the vibe of the bar (find out if it has a dress code), suits your body type (shows off your good features and camouflages trouble spots), and feels comfortable.  You won’t look or feel sexy if you’re compulsively fiddling with your clothes all night.  Ladies should choose their shoes carefully.  If you can’t rock heels all night, go with wedges or some nice flats.  No one will be paying that much attention to your feet.  When you know you look good, your confidence increases, and you’ll appear more attractive to others. 

Once you get to the bar, there are a few other safety measures to keep in mind.  Alcohol may lower your inhibitions and make it easier to approach people, but it also alters your perceptions.  People seem more interesting and attractive after a few drinks.  Having too much to drink can cause you to make poor decisions and even kill you, so be aware of how much alcohol you’re consuming.  A few drinks are okay, but no one’s going to flirt with you if you’re acting like a jerk or throwing up.  Don’t leave your drink unattended to minimize the chances of being drugged and robbed or sexually assaulted.  Yes, this is a concern for men, too.  Recognize that nothing is stopping the people you meet from lying and misrepresenting themselves.  Have fun, but don’t invest too much in the bonds you form while drinking with strangers. 

When keeping an eye out for someone you’d like to talk to, don’t pass someone up because you think she’s too attractive for you.  Very good-looking people are often ignored because others are intimidated by them.  Be confident in your own skin and go for it.  The worst thing she can do is not want to chat with you, the same way that you might not want to talk to every girl in the bar.  It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or with her. 

Giving someone a look over your shoulder is an effective move.  Catch her eye, then smile, look away, and repeat.  If she smiles back, go say hello.  If you’re not feeling very comfortable yet, try complimenting her on one thing, then go back to your friends.  You can look back once or twice to make your interest clear, but no more than that.  Don’t waste your time.  If she’s interested, she’ll come over to talk to you.  When this happens, ask her a quick question about the bar (“Is this place always this busy on Thursday nights?”).  This will allow her to either begin a conversation with you, or decline one.  If it’s the latter, go have fun with your friends and find someone else to talk to later. 

If your conversation goes well, you should ask her if she’d like to dance.  Dancing is a socially-acceptable way of getting physical quickly.  As with all physical contact, be alert for signs of discomfort and stop immediately if she asks you to.  Ask for her number, or, if things are going very well, ask if she’d like to come home with you.  Do not do this is the person is drunk because in many jurisdictions people cannot consent to sex if they’re intoxicated.  If you’re successful, enjoy.  If not, go hang out with your friends.  You’ve had an interesting conversation and danced with an attractive person.  Sometimes goals can be helpful, but they can also lead to disappointment in an otherwise positive situation.