Detecting Fake Profiles and Users

Everyone who has tried online dating has come across fake profiles, whether they realize it or not.  The majority of these profiles (about 75%) depict women.  People create fake profiles for many reasons. 

1.       Some want to communicate with strangers looking for love so that they can laugh at their e-mails or watch to see if they show up for dates so they can mock them or see how they react to being stood up.

2.       Others are insecure about their appearances or life situation and feel that if they have a fake profile or lie about themselves, the people they talk to online will fall for their personalities and not care that they’ve been deceived once the two of them actually meet.

3.       Some people are angry that they’ve been ignored and will make a profile with a more attractive photo or a higher income to see if they get more attention.

4.       Others want to see how others interact with them as the opposite sex.

5.       Some people use profiles with fake photos in the hopes that people will respond to their offer to exchange explicit photos so that they can add to their collection.  These people are often not of the gender they claim.

6.       Others are trying to harvest e-mail addresses.

7.       Romance scammers try to convince members to send them money.

8.       Some are created by pay sites with photos of attractive people to make it appear as if there are a number of available people in a particular area. These may or may not be weeded out as more actual members join.

9.       Others exist only to advertise a product or service, using the photos of an attractive person to prove the benefits of whatever they’re advertising.

10.   Some exist only to attract viewers to a particular website whether they will hopefully spend money. 

There are a few clues you can watch for that may indicate a fake profile.

1.       The person in the photos is very attractive.

2.       The photos all appear to be professional or staged.  They are perfectly lighted and tidy.

3.       There is only one photo.

4.       The photo appears to be old.

5.       The profile has very little information or lots of vague information.

6.       The user doesn’t seem to know anything about the city or region in which they claim to be located.

7.       The profile or messages have poor spelling and grammar.

8.       The person has excuses for why they can’t meet you, go on webcam, or show you a new photo of themselves.

9.       They get emotional way too early and talk about being in love with you.

10.   They won’t share their Facebook or phone number with you (although legitimate users may not be able to or feel comfortable with doing so, too).

11.   The profile or messages mention specific products, services, or companies in a positive light.

There are a few tests you can conduct to help determine of a profile is fake.

1.       Upload the picture on Tineye.  It works much like Google Image Search but in reverse: you provide a photo and you can see where else it’s located online.  It even sometimes detects heavily modified versions of an image.

2.       Google the text of a profile to see if it was lifted from somewhere else. Some people have very similar or identical profiles on different sites, though, so check to see if the location and age match among the various profiles.

3.       You can check for similar photos through Google Image Search. Right click the photo.  If you use Firefox, click on “copy image location”.  With Explorer select “properties’ and then copy the address.  With Chrome, click “copy image URL”. Go to Google Images and paste the text in the search box.  Click the link that says “For matching images, try searching by images”.  See if any of the returned images match yours.

4.       Check information about what the person is looking for.  If their profile’s acceptable height or weight range is ridiculously large, they’re probably a fake. 

5.       Look at their physical information.  If the height and weight don’t make sense, it may be a fake.

6.       Ask them to meet.  If they refuse or always cancels with a new excuse, they are either a fake or not interested in a real life relationship.

7.       If you feel like they’re too good to be true, they probably are.

8.       If she talks about sex in her profile as if she’s a man looking for a casual encounter, chances are the profile was written by a man.

Dating Websites

Dating websites are incredibly useful for those who have difficulty meeting new people due to time or geographic constraints.  There are websites catering to hobby, ethnic group, race, religion, and sexual orientation.  It’s also smart to determine the ratio of male to female users so you can choose one that works in your favour.  These sites generally allow you to put up a profile with a photo explaining who you are, what you interests are, and what you’re looking for.  Users can then send each other messages with the intention of conversing and then working out a time and place to meet.  It’s not intended to replace real-life dating, it merely serves as way of making introductions.

You might be tempted to try out a free site and, to be honest, it’s a decent place to start, but there are reasons for and against it.  Free sites have large numbers of users and don’t involve sharing your credit card information, but because accounts are free they are popular with scammer s and adult service providers.  People also feel less invested with free sites and often abandon their profiles, leaving you messaging someone who isn’t there.  Paid sites tend to have better features and customer support, improved search functions, and the users tend to be more attractive, better educated, more financially stable, and more serious about meeting and dating. The downsides include shady billing practices and a greater feeling of disappointment if you don’t find a partner.

The top five dating websites, e-Harmony, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, and Lavalife each have their own unique advantages and disadvantages.  EHarmony has one of the best matching systems, but many of its users aren’t paying members so if they show up in your matches, they can’t answer your massages.  Match.com has a nifty keyword search function that allows you to search for people who share you interests in your area, but it continues to display ads to paying members.  Plenty of Fish has very active forums with discussions about dating and relationships, but plenty of scammers and abandoned profiles.  OkCupid has reached a wide audience with its OKTrends blog tracking site statistics and a button showing how often a user responds to messages, but it also has ads and no video upload or chat capabilities.  Lavalife allows users to post three separate profiles in the relationship, dating, and intimate encounters sections if you’re looking for more than one thing, but doesn’t allow users to turn off instant messaging, so women are inundated with chat requests when they trying to check their accounts.

Men and women each face unique challenges when it comes to online dating.  On most sites there are more men than women and men generally take the role of pursuers while women tend to respond to the messages they receive.  This results in a situation where women receive more messages than they can keep up with and men can’t get responses to the messages they send.  Men also tend to hear from scammers pretending to be attractive women, while women receive unsolicited sexual messages from men, often in the form of rambling “erotic” stories into which the author has inserted himself and the reader.  Most sites allow people to block specific users, so take advantage of it!

In order to get a better message response rate, a man should include at least two profile photos, one of his face and one showing his body type.  He should try to make himself sound funny and intelligent, filling out the entire profile.  He should list his interests, being as specific as possible.  Don’t lie about anything.  Many men lie about their income, jobs, ages, weight, and height, thinking women will overlook all this once she gets to know his personality, but this is a waste of everyone’s time and makes you seem deceitful and insecure.  Make sure that your profile’s free of spelling and grammatical errors.  Have as many female friends as you can look it over and give you feedback. Don’t get discouraged, however, as even with a great profile, most women won’t message you back.

It’s incredibly difficult to get women to write back because they don’t have time to respond to all of their e-mails.  This means that you have to make your e-mail stand out and convince her to look at your profile.  Many of the messages women receive are single liners or form letters talking about how attractive she is.  Show that you aren’t using a form message and that you have read her profile by referencing it in the message.   Talk about any interests you have in common and then ask her an open-ended question.  Don’t compliment her appearance.  Everyone does that.  It’s okay to admit that it’s a bit awkward writing a first message.  In fact, according to OKTrends, it actually increases your response rate.

If some of the top five dating websites haven’t been working for you, you should consider trying a more specialized dating service.  Whether your specific interest is casual sex, an affair, your religion, pets, a particular subculture, inmates, recreational drug use, your disability, your height or that of prospective dates, your mental illness, a philosophy, a “mutually beneficial” relationship, geeks, music, education, accents, your STI, your professional field, your fetish, older or younger people, body modification, people of the same sex, a particular race, or single parents, there’s a site out there for you.

Matchmaking services are much more expensive than online dating sites, but many produce better results.  They provide a more personal service with in-person interviews with each candidate.  They must maintain at least one office for these meetings.  The high price deters people who aren’t successful and who aren’t serious about finding a long-term partner.  Some waive fees for women to maintain a ratio of three women to every two men, while others charge them just as much as men.  Most matchmakers screen potential clients to ensure that they don’t have criminal backgrounds and that they aren’t already married.  This makes clients feels safer going out on dates.  Some also act as dating coaches and provide feedback on your behaviours and your dates’ opinions.  The higher fees are the result of more support, effort, and personalized service on the behalf of the matchmaker.

One of the largest problems people come across on online dating websites is fake profiles and users.  There are many reasons people create these personas, from financial gain to finding a sort of satisfaction in laughing at the perceived loserdom of others.  But there are several hints you can pick up on by looking at a profile, messages, and photos that indicate a fake.  If you are suspicious, you can use Google Image Search or Tineye to see if the photos have been used anywhere else online and Googling the text of the profile to see if it’s been used elsewhere.  Check for inconsistencies, inaccuracies, and mistakes in the profile information and messages.

Approaching Someone without Coming across as Creepy

Even people who are confident in other areas of their lives can have difficulty approaching people, especially strangers.  It’s normal to be a little nervous.  This is reasonable because you have no way of knowing for sure how another person will react to you.  However, there are certain things you can do to increase your chances of a positive result and lower your odds of coming across as creepy.

1.       Always look your best.  Drink lots of water, eat lots of fruits and vegetables, exercise, get enough sleep, bathe, shave, and brush your teeth.  Make sure that your clothes are comfortable and fit you well.  When you know you look the best you can, you’ll be able to focus on more important things.

2.       Don’t approach anyone with a goal in mind.  This makes you look creepy or desperate.  Confident people would only consider asking someone out or giving them their phone number after they’ve talked to them for a while and found them friendly and engaging.  It’s obvious when someone is approaching for a reason.  It shows a lack of respect as the approach is more about filling a need than getting to know the approachee.  You’re also less likely to be disappointed.  If your goal is to take someone home and instead you have a wonderful night, dance with someone, and then kiss them goodbye, that great night becomes a failure, rather than what it actually was.

3.       Practice with strangers, whether or not you’re attracted to them, at every opportunity you get.  This will make approaching the people you’re really interested in easier.  Plus, if things don’t go well, you’ll likely never see that person again.

4.       Don’t talk yourself out of doing it.  We can be experts at coming up with excuses as to why we shouldn’t try something.  Maybe they’re busy or maybe you’ll blow them away, but you’ll never know unless you try.  Many attractive people are rarely approached because others are too intimidated to say hello.

5.       Make eye contact and smile, first.  You’ll be less likely to sneak up on them and they’ll be able to express their interest in talking to you or lack thereof. If she makes eye contact and smiles repeatedly she’s probably interested in a conversation.  If she avoids it and fiddles with anything at hand, she probably isn’t. 

6.       Don’t use lines.  Just saying something honest like “Hi, I’m ____.  I just saw you and thought I’d be social and say hello” works well.  Lines scream “I’m insecure and had to learn how to fake confidence.”  Also, it makes you seem like a game player.  Honesty takes more confidence.   

7.       If you have something in common, talk about it.  Do you go to the same school?  Cheer for the same team?  Did you meet at a show?  Then you have a ready-made conversation topic.  Just move on to something else fairly quickly so that they don’t get bored.

8.       Don’t instinctively offer to by someone a drink.  It may make you seem insecure, like you have to offer someone something in exchange for their time, or it may make them feel like you’re trying to buy them or make them think you feel entitled to “favours” in return for your “generosity”.  If you’ve talked to someone for a while, feel free to buy them one, just remember that it’s a gift and that anyone who accepts it is in no way obligated to you.  Don’t buy drinks you can’t afford.  Try to look at it like buying a lottery ticket.  There’s a slim chance at winning, but mostly likely you just kissed a few dollars goodbye.  The point, though, is to have fun.

Why Not to Flirt at Work

Although it’s usually harmless, there are some very good reasons to avoid flirting at the office.  It can leave you with a bad reputation, have legal and disciplinary consequences, end marriages, and result in unwanted attention.

Most people like to believe that the way to succeed is to work hard, learn new things, and prove they’ve done the first two with positive results.  They don’t always take it too kindly, therefore, when someone gets a bigger bonus than they did, when the only difference in their “performance” is that the other person was a flirt.  This is mainly a problem when there is a power imbalance between the people flirting.  When flirting with a co-worker, there’s only so much impact she can have on your career. Flirting with your boss or an employee is a different matter.  The employee may be perceived as promiscuous and under qualified, preferring to use looks rather than skill to succeed.  The boss may be thought of as weak and easily manipulated by attractive people when he should have the organization’s best interests at heart or as someone who abuses his power for his own gain.  Even if flirtation has been minor and innocent, rumour flies and that extra attention you’ve given someone can destroy your reputation.

Flirting at the office is further complicated when one or both of you are married or in a committed relationship.  In order to keep your flirtation within the bounds of good taste, make sure you don’t say or do anything you wouldn’t if your partner was right beside you.  If you cross that line, stop immediately and ask yourself why you did it.  If you’re having problems with your partner, you need to work on your relationship.  If things are beyond repair, end your relationship and maybe you’ll both meet someone better suited to yourselves.  If you’re flirting because you’re bored at work, ask if there’s something you could be doing instead of or in addition to your usual work.  Even if you haven’t been engaging in any sort of physical or romantic relationship with your co-worker doesn’t mean that others haven’t interpreted your light flirtation to mean something more exciting is afoot.  Nothing much is stopping a person with a bone to pick to send your partner information about what’s (supposed to be) going on at work.  You have to ask yourself, “Is this flirtation worth destroying my relationship?”

Another concern relating to flirting at the office is unwanted attention.  If someone is interested in you they often see flirtatious behaviour and other signs of interest where there are none.  As a result, their imaginations often run wild if you actually do flirt with them.  You can find yourself in a dangerous situation if you are alone together and he thinks you’re thinking what he’s thinking (hint: it’s sex).  You have no idea how he’ll react if you explain that you’re not actually interested in him.  Most likely it would just be awkward, but that’s no consolation if he becomes aggressive or decides to make your life at work difficult.  You can also find yourself in a damaging situation if the person you thought you were just being friendly with later puts you in a position where you feel you need to pursue a sexual harassment case against him.  Since flirting is often viewed as a signal of interest, it’s been argued that he could reasonably have been confused regarding your comfort level with his behaviour.  Your previous flirting can be used as evidence that his attention wasn’t unwanted.  Another possibility is that consensual flirting can be turned around on you once the flirtation comes to an end.  While he might have been happy enough at the time, the revelation that you have no interesting in pursuing a relationship with him may make him angry and spiteful enough to claim you sexually harassed him.  This is not to cast suspicion on those that seek redressing following sexual harassment, rather to acknowledge the slim risk as one of the many associated with flirting at the office. 

Flirtation occurs frequently in the workplace and obviously most instances don’t end in the ways explored above.  There are lots of benefits to flirting in the office, but you should definitely be aware of the potential consequences of laying on the charm at work.

When Not to Flirt

Although it can be difficult to come up with any hard and fast rules when it comes to human interaction, there are certain situations in which and certain people with which you shouldn’t flirt.  While some of these are debatable, you ought to take them into consideration since it’s better to be safe than sorry, as the fallout from such actions can be enormous compared with the perceived benefits.

Certain locations are inappropriate to flirt in.  Some are obvious: you shouldn’t flirt at a funeral, for example.  When it comes to questions, you should ask any that are likely to have a negative answer.  When it comes to approaching people, don’t do it when they’re likely to be having a bad day (see also emergency room and sexual health clinic).  Plus it’s distracting and disrespectful for other mourners.  Elevators are a bad idea because you have a captive audience.  People tend to feel uncomfortable when they are alone and don’t have an escape route.  You’re unlikely to get a number, but you are highly likely to make someone nervous and ruin the elevator ride for everyone else present (who may also snicker after you strike out).  There is debate over whether or not it is appropriate to flirt at the workplace.  Some say it’s harmless and can create a more happy and enjoyable office atmosphere while others are opposed as it opens you up to allegations of sexual harassment and can give you a reputation (deserved or not) as someone who sleeps his way to the top or who abuses her power.  Basically, you need to exercise the Golden Rule.  Ask yourself: “Is this a place where I’d welcome flirtatious behaviour or be comfortable with observing others flirting?”  Take gender into consideration however, as women are more likely to be placed in threatening positions than men when it comes to sex and dating, so they may be less comfortable with flirting in certain locations than men.

There are certain individuals you should never flirt with.  Some, like minors, can earn you a reputation as a pervert that can be impossible to shake.  Similarly, flirting with someone while in a position of power can cost you your job and result in a date with Human Resources.  Don’t flirt with people you coach, your employees, students, or members of your congregation.  Even if you aren’t the person in a position of power, it is unwise to flirt with your superiors.  They might not appreciate your interest, be angry that you thought you could get somewhere with them, or you may earn a reputation as someone who relies on her looks and charm rather than skill and knowledge. 

Some people consider flirting within a committed relationship to be cheating while others see it as healthy and even necessary, so long as certain boundaries aren’t crossed.  The best thing to do is have a candid conversation with your partner and clearly define flirting, since you may each have different ideas about what flirting entails.  If you trust each other, you may be able to set guidelines to determine what you consider flirting and who you may flirt with any when.  Perhaps you may flirt with others in your partner’s presence (many people don’t feel threatened by some smiles and arm touching).  Or perhaps he prefers that you only do it out of his sight.  As long as you’re both honest, whatever you decide on is the best choice for you.  If you haven’t had this sort of conversation, however, you should not be flirting while in a committed relationship.  You may feel that what you’re doing is innocent and that what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him (you’d never cheat, after all), but you never know who is watching who might tell your partner what you’ve been up to.  You need to consider whether or not the freedom to flirt is worth your relationship.

When Not to Flirt

Although it can be difficult to come up with any hard and fast rules when it comes to human interaction, there are certain situations in which and certain people with which you shouldn’t flirt.  While some of these are debatable, you ought to take them into consideration since it’s better to be safe than sorry, as the fallout from such actions can be enormous compared with the perceived benefits.

Certain locations are inappropriate to flirt in.  Some are obvious: you shouldn’t flirt at a funeral, for example.  When it comes to questions, you should ask any that are likely to have a negative answer.  When it comes to approaching people, don’t do it when they’re likely to be having a bad day (see also emergency room and sexual health clinic).  Plus it’s distracting and disrespectful for other mourners.  Elevators are a bad idea because you have a captive audience.  People tend to feel uncomfortable when they are alone and don’t have an escape route.  You’re unlikely to get a number, but you are highly likely to make someone nervous and ruin the elevator ride for everyone else present (who may also snicker after you strike out).  There is debate over whether or not it is appropriate to flirt at the workplace.  Some say it’s harmless and can create a more happy and enjoyable office atmosphere while others are opposed as it opens you up to allegations of sexual harassment and can give you a reputation (deserved or not) as someone who sleeps his way to the top or who abuses her power.  Basically, you need to exercise the Golden Rule.  Ask yourself: “Is this a place where I’d welcome flirtatious behaviour or be comfortable with observing others flirting?”  Take gender into consideration however, as women are more likely to be placed in threatening positions than men when it comes to sex and dating, so they may be less comfortable with flirting in certain locations than men.

There are certain individuals you should never flirt with.  Some, like minors, can earn you a reputation as a pervert that can be impossible to shake.  Similarly, flirting with someone while in a position of power can cost you your job and result in a date with Human Resources.  Don’t flirt with people you coach, your employees, students, or members of your congregation.  Even if you aren’t the person in a position of power, it is unwise to flirt with your superiors.  They might not appreciate your interest, be angry that you thought you could get somewhere with them, or you may earn a reputation as someone who relies on her looks and charm rather than skill and knowledge. 

Some people consider flirting within a committed relationship to be cheating while others see it as healthy and even necessary, so long as certain boundaries aren’t crossed.  The best thing to do is have a candid conversation with your partner and clearly define flirting, since you may each have different ideas about what flirting entails.  If you trust each other, you may be able to set guidelines to determine what you consider flirting and who you may flirt with any when.  Perhaps you may flirt with others in your partner’s presence (many people don’t feel threatened by some smiles and arm touching).  Or perhaps he prefers that you only do it out of his sight.  As long as you’re both honest, whatever you decide on is the best choice for you.  If you haven’t had this sort of conversation, however, you should not be flirting while in a committed relationship.  You may feel that what you’re doing is innocent and that what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him (you’d never cheat, after all), but you never know who is watching who might tell your partner what you’ve been up to.  You need to consider whether or not the freedom to flirt is worth your relationship.

What is Flirting?

Flirting is a socially low risk way people let others know that they like what they know of them  (even if it’s just what they look like) and that they would like to have further interaction with them, all without saying so directly or even saying or doing anything overtly sexual or romantic.  It has evolved so that people can use polite, socially-acceptable ways to express their interest in getting to know others and to allow those others to accept or reject them while allowing both to save face (after all, it was just a brief exchange about the weather, wasn’t it?). 

Flirting usually involves eye contact, smiling, conversation, joking, teasing, compliments, mimicry, and physical contact with oneself and one’s conversation partner.  Although none of these things is necessarily flirtatious, all of them can be involved and are good signs to watch out for if you’re wondering if someone is interested in you.  Of course, she could just be having fun.  May people flirt with others they are not truly interested in, so there’s no way to be completely certain.  Don’t stress yourself trying to figure it all out.   

When someone tries to catch another’s attention with eye contact, they are sending a powerful signal.  Looking another person in the eye is a sign of confidence and even aggression (it can be rude under certain circumstances).  The boldness of such a move will cause people to notice the gazer, for better or for worse.  A smile is an almost universal signal of friendliness.  It makes others feel at ease around the smiler and makes then seem more approachable.  Once they’ve caught someone’s eye, they may look away and give him a smile.  This gives the smilee (the person smiled at) an opportunity to express his openness to further attention be returning the smile, or lack of interest by ignoring the smiler.  At this point, one of three things must happen. The smiler must give up because the smilee doesn’t seem to approve of her interest, the smilee approves of her interest and approaches her, or the smiler makes the first move again and approaches the smilee.  By this point, the smiler has made her interest known to the smilee, who will have given either positive or negative signals regarding his interest in having a conversation with the smiler, all within a minute or so and with no words exchanged.  People who appear to be very successful in approaching others generally apply a similar technique, having first gauged the other person’s interest in getting to know them.  This process is incredibly valuable as it saves much time and awkwardness all without forcing either party to expose themselves to rejection or ridicule. 

Once the two are speaking the flirtation can progress.  They express their interest in one another with a combination of actions and words.  They will ask each other questions about their lives, families, and interests.  This provides the asker with a pause on his half of the conversation where they can see if they have any mutual interests or may be romantically compatible.  This also gives the other party a chance to talk about herself (which many appreciate, whether or not they admit it) and paints a picture of him as someone who cares about getting to know her as a person.  Compliments are exchanged.  They show an appreciation for each other’s personality, appearance, and accomplishments.  Too many can leave the other person overwhelmed or make the complimenter look desperate.  This is one reason why people will balance out compliments with teasing.  Many people express affection and intimacy (whether between lovers, family members, or friends) by teasing.  In flirtation, the goal is to recreate

that feeling of closeness by good-naturedly picking on each other.  It shouldn’t be offensive, crude, or mean spirited.  They aren’t trying to hurt each other’s feelings or bring each other down.  It also shows a willingness to treat the person of interest as a fellow human being, not as an alien creature to be worshipped.  Humour is an important part of flirtation, which is often silly.  Jokes are told in attempts to make each other laugh.  This shows that each is a fun person to be around, as people gravitate toward those who make them happy.  If either witnesses something funny, they may make an inside joke about it in order to create a light-hearted sense of “us vs. the world”.

There are several things they might be doing with their bodies.  They may mirror each other’s movements without even realizing it.  This is a signal that they are observing one another closely and that they are interested in each other. They may touch themselves, particularly women.  This touching draws attention to the parts of their bodies they touch, and may cause the other person to wonder what it would be like to have contact with these body parts.  Men will sometimes run hands through their hair to the same effect.  Finally, the two will make physical contact.  They may touch each other’s hands and arms as they speak or touch the small of the back.  This allows them to see if there’s attraction between them. With the right two people, such a touch can be electric.  They can return the physical contact, smile, and move closer to one another if they enjoy the touching. 

 In short, flirting sets the stage to see if there’s a spark between two people that could culminate in a friendship, sex, or love should the bond between them be nurtured.    The next step, either asking someone out or getting his number forces one party to make an explicit request of the other and the other to accept or reject her.  There is no way for them to completely save face here as there is with flirting. Flirting is like a no-obligation free trial.  You get to test the wares before you negotiate to purchase something.  It’s easy to do and nothing to worry about. 

Top Ten Tips

Most people here are looking for information on how to flirt effectively.  For some it’s instinctual and for others it’s a skill that needs to be practiced and developed.  Without further ado, he’s a list of the Top ten Flirting Tips.

1. Look your best. Shave, bath regularly, wash your face, brush your teeth, get enough sleep, eat well, and exercise.  Wear clothes that fit well and are comfortable.  You’ll be able to focus on other things and feel a lot more confident when you know you look good.
2. Practice flirting with strangers every chance you get.  Make eyes and smile at people on the bus and in line at the store.  Make small talk at the bus stop.  The more you talk to strangers, whether or not you’re attracted to them, the easier it becomes to talk to even people you’re interested in.  If a conversation doesn’t go well, you’re unlikely to ever see the person again anyway.
3.  Be aware of your surroundings.  Are they likely to make someone, particularly a lone woman, uneasy?  If she’s alone at night or drunk or in an elevator she may feel trapped or threatened.  Medical offices and funeral/wake/memorial services are also inappropriate places to flirt.  There are billions of people out there for you.  No one person represents your “big chance”, so wait until you meet someone cute in a better situation.
4. Make eye contact.  This does two things: it prevents you from sneaking up on someone and it lets them indicate whether or not they’re interested in talking to you.  If they’re avoiding eye contact, they’re likely not interested.  If they’re frequently returning it, go say hello.
5.  Smile.  A lot of people complain about how they only smile when something’s funny because otherwise it makes them “look stupid” or will “scare people off”.  Wrong.  Just do it.  Smiling is a sign of friendliness, warmth, and openness.  Why do you think that good sales people do it so often?  If you’re going to check someone out, smile while doing it so that they don’t think you’re planning to steal their wallets.  If you’re concerned about the colour of your teeth, there are several over the counter products that work quite well if you can’t afford in-office bleaching.  Straight teeth aren’t everything, either.  Some of the best smiles I know belong to friends with a few or even many crooked teeth.
6. Avoid lines and other PUA tactics such as peacocking, card tricks, and negging.  These gimmicks will be obvious and most people value honesty and confidence over acting.  Instead, try approaching someone and saying “Hi, I’m ____.  I thought I’d be social and come say hello.”  The best approach I’ve ever experienced was when a guy abandoned the field during a soccer game to say that he thought I was cute and wanted to meet me.  They may or may not want to talk with you, but you’ll come across as confident rather than insecure and hiding behind lines.
7.  Don’t have a goal when you talk to someone.  People will notice and you’ll come off as creepy.  People who are confident and have high self-esteem don’t give out their numbers or ask people out if they haven’t even spoken to the person yet.  What if they’re mean or you have absolutely nothing in common?  Show some respect for them and for yourself by saying hello and seeing what they’re like.  Otherwise, you come across as desperate and controlling.  Trying to plan out human interaction and inserting whoever comes along into your plan without caring to find out  who they are is a terrible idea.  You’re also less likely to be disappointed if your goals are friendly and broad.
8. Watch peoples’ body language.  It often tells you better than words what their feelings are.  Be careful if someone turns their body away from you, fiddles with anything at hand, isn’t smiling, avoids eye contact, or picks their teeth and nails.  There are all signs someone isn’t interested.  Women in particular are often shy to tell people to go away because they are raised to avoid being “bitches” at all costs.  On the other hand, if someone smiles, makes a lot of eye contact, laughs, touches you, and plays with their hair, they likely find you interesting, though they might just be friendly.
9. Always respect “no”.  The chances that someone is playing hard to get are slim and you are going to look like a creep.  Never ask someone out after they say “no” or try to touch them.  Even if they are playing hard to get, why would you encourage that behaviour?  It’s better to possibly miss out on a hook up then to end up accused of sexual harassment or up on sexual assault charges.
10. Realize that neither acceptance nor rejection is a big deal.  Confidence us one of the most attractive qualities a person can have, and strong self-esteem is built from within, not on the opinions of others.  People will not always be around to shore up your self-esteem.  People are attracted to one another for a multitude of reasons, so if someone isn’t into you, it’s not important.  It doesn’t necessarily reflect poorly on you.  Anyway, someone else will find you attractive.
    

The Risks of Flirting

Most people flirt, whether they intend to or not.  Flirting is how we are taught to interact with members of the opposite sex when we don’t have enough information about them to tell us how to behave with them.  It can simply be fun, or it can be a useful way to determine whether or not you’re likely to get a “yes” if you ask someone out.  It can make friendships stronger and workplaces more enjoyable, but it also comes with risks, whether or not the person you’re flirting with seems to be enjoying your attention.

The first risk people tend to think of is “What if he’s not interested?”  This may actually be the least of your worries, but it’s still worth looking at.  If the person is a stranger, if he dislikes your flirting and you strike out, it’s not that big of a deal.  You didn’t go right out and say you were interested, right?  Chances are you’ll never see him again, and unless your friends were observing, they won’t be teasing you about what happened.  For this reason, strangers are some of the best people to flirt with, even if you’re just practising in order to be more confident when flirting with people you know you’re interested in. 

If the person is someone you work or go to school with, however, things can be a lot more awkward.  Some people are generous and will do anything they can think of to avoid hurting your feelings or making the situation between you two uncomfortable, others will trumpet your words and actions to anyone who will listen.  A good way to avoid the latter scenario is to flirt with everyone of either gender as often as possible.  That way no one will feel singled out and if anyone complains they’ll likely be told, “oh, he’s like that with everyone not just you.” 

There is a fine line between flirting and sexual harassment and unfortunately it’s impossible to explain exactly where that line lies because it’s different for every person.  Flirting is only acceptable when all parties involved are enjoying themselves.  Be alert for body language that suggests that your attention is unwanted.  If anyone, whether the person you’re flirting with or another says that you’re flirting is distracting or asks you to stop, stop immediately.  Most people try to deal with flirting subtly before directly asking someone to stop her behaviour, so you need to take these requests seriously or you may find yourself in a lot of trouble. 

Other problems may arise when you’re flirting for fun and the person you’re flirting with believes that you have more serious intentions.  Not only can this lead to awkward misunderstandings between friends if one complains only to find the first was never intentionally flirting, but most people dislike being in the position of having to tell someone interested in them, who thinks his feelings are returned, that you don’t like him.  We’re taught to be polite, so many people will go great lengths trying to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings, and make the situation worse in the long run.  While usually being in this position is just embarrassing, you have little way of knowing if someone will become angry or violent when you explain the situation.  Even if someone seems to take the news well, he can do all sorts of sneaky things behind your back.  No one likes to be led on, but some take it worse than others.  Evens someone who may have been okay with the flirting previously may change his mind once he realises that the situation meant more to him than to you.  If you’re going to flirt, it’s best not to limit your attentions to only a few people.
 

Finally, flirting can cost you your job if you’re flirting with someone you are in a position of power over, or who is a minor.  Even if you flirt with someone in a position of power over you, you can still find yourself in hot water.  Read up on your workplace’s sexual harassment and office relationship policies in order to inform yourself of the risks.  It’s smarter to just not flirt at work, but at least educate yourself on the matter.  No one wants allegations of sexual harassment thrown at them, as such accusations often stick even if nothing is ever proven.  It’s better to avoid the situation in the first place. 

You shouldn’t take this to mean that you shouldn’t flirt, just that you should exercise caution.  While most are aware of how fun flirting can be, most aren’t aware of all the risks.  Strangers are the best people to flirt with, so if you’re not certain, stick to them and keep it out of your workplace. 

The Psychology of Flirting

Almost everyone flirts.  Most of the time, it isn’t even a conscious act (except when it comes to canned lines and come-ons).  Why do we do it?  The primary reason is biological: we need to attract a partner and pass on our genes by having children, and flirting helps achieve that.  Environment can play a role, too: we’re more likely to flirt when we have experienced or are experiencing something frightening or exciting and when we feel warm rather than cold.  Of course, much of the time we do it because it’s fun.  It’s simply how we interact with members of the opposite sex in the absence of other information about them.  It’s usually light hearted and indirect, but it loses it subtlety online, as the lack of facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice prevents people from correctly interpreting the meaning behind less direct words.

The people who attract the most attention aren’t necessarily best looking.  They’re the best flirters and the reason for their success seems to be the number of people they flirt with.  The more people make eye contact with and smile at others, the more often they’re approached or approach others successfully.

Flirting is important because it allows you to get to know someone in a low-pressure, low-risk environment before you potentially create life with her.  Flirting also gives people an advantage in seeking a partner by making them seem more valuable.  Both men and women are attracted to the opposite sex when they are surrounded by women.  Being with other women seems to make men look like a better choice (why else would so many women be interested in him?) while hanging out with other men makes women less attractive, perhaps because the man fears rejection or being compared unfavourably to other men.  Evolutionary psychologists might suggest that this is because men want to be certain that their offspring are really theirs, and a woman with lots of male friends could have ample opportunity to be unfaithful.  Regardless, if you want to be perceived as more attractive, spend more time out with your girlfriends. 

Men and women often flirt differently.  Men tend to be less subtle, more direct, and flirt less with women they’re not actually interested in.  They flirt for a reason, whether it’s to get a phone number, go on a date, or have sex, whereas women are more likely to flirt for the fun of it, with no particular purpose in mind.  It’s theorized that having more men interested in a woman drives up her “value” and makes it more likely that she’ll attract the best possible mate.  If this is the case, however, this thought process isn’t usually conscious.  Also, what defines a “high-status” male or female isn’t purely biological (hourglass figure; large, strong build; etc.), but is impacted by cultural factors as well.  Someone with a great sense of humour can outshine someone else with all the physical markers of fertility. 

So why do people who have found a partner continue to flirt?  Some are looking to have an affair or find a better partner, but most others are looking for reaffirmation that they can still hold another person’s attention or find another partner should their current one die or leave.  Others would like their partner to notice them flirting with someone else so that they’ll pay more attention to them once they see that they are desired by others.  Flirting, even when innocent, is more exciting and “dangerous” when you’re not single, so many find it thrilling.  It’s a way of feeling a dim reflection of the euphoric high you feel as someone falls in love with you, without risking the destruction of your family or hurting your partner. 

The Importance of Confidence

Most of the advice handed out about dating and flirting revolves around confidence.  We all know that confidence is key, but why?  Confidence is what allows you to approach someone successfully.  If you have high self-confidence, talking even to total strangers won’t faze you.  This is because you know you’re awesome and have the ability to make someone’s day better.  Too often people talk themselves out of meeting someone because they tell themselves that person is busy, is with friends, they’d never waste time with someone like them, they might shoot them down, etc.  This is silly.  As long as you aren’t a creep about it, most people are going to be flattered if you express interest in an appropriate way.  The way to do this successfully isn’t to be good looking (though this always helps), but to be confident and believe that you’re complimenting someone, not bothering them.

Confidence improves your interactions in every aspect of flirting and dating.  Much of our fear about approaching someone arises from a sense that we may be rejected.  Confidence shouldn’t be built on a foundation of feedback from others.  Appreciate the feedback you receive, but don’t rely on it.  It might not always be there to motivate you and to sustain your confidence.  Plus, if you let others build you up, you’re just as likely to let them tear you down.  Confidence should be based on your values and successes you’ve built, not material or transitory things.  When you truly love yourself it doesn’t matter whether or not someone wants to talk to you or to date you.

Confidence also makes you seem more attractive overall.  A good-looking person is less attractive without it and an average person is more attractive with it.  Looks always come into play.  We should never date people we aren’t attracted to but when someone is confident enough to be themselves regardless of what others think, it’s an appealing quality.  Some people claim to be put off by confidence, particular in women.  These people are either confusing confidence with arrogance, are lying, or only want to date someone they can easily manipulate.  If someone gets angry at you for making the first move, let them go.  If someone doesn’t like the confident person you are, why would you want to waste your time getting to know them anyway?

Having confidence means that you put less pressure on others. Confident people don’t need a partner, they want one.  Most people want to be wanted by someone whose life is complete as it is rather than to be needed by someone.  A confident person is happy to let friendships and relationships develop at their own pace rather than pressuring people to move forward on their timeline.  People want to feel special and need isn’t going to do that.   They don’t want to feel like you’re desperate for sex or for a relationship. They want to feel like you had options and chose them.  A confident person is more likely to be seeing multiple people in the early stages as well, lessening the pressure to get serious on everyone involved.

Most people prefer to spend time with those that are confident as the constant reassurance that unconfident people need is exhausting and draining.  People who have low confidence have a hard time accepting compliments, choosing instead to minimize whatever caused you to compliment them in the first place, and forcing you to argue with them over their own merits.  They require constant support to keep from lapsing into self-hatred.  The little confidence they do have is based on the assurance they receive from others.  They are more likely to be unfaithful or engage in unsafe sexual practices because they need to maintain peoples’ sexual interest to shore up their self-worth.  They may be more flirtatious than others to make themselves feel better.  It’s never an equal partnership and you can’t blame anyone for not wanting to take responsibility for anyone else’s happiness.  If your confidence is low, work on it before trying to enter a relationship.

The Art of Flirting

A lot of people find flirting intimidating and complicated.  Admittedly, it can be complicated—but, it doesn’t have to be.  Flirting a fun way of subtly and indirectly expressing interest in someone.  Most people do it without even thinking about it.  You don’t say you’re interested; you say or do certain things that imply your interest in getting to know someone better.  Making lots of eye contact, smiling, laughing, making physical contact, mirroring the other person’s movements, giving compliments, and teasing can all be a part of flirting (although none of these is always flirtatious).  In fact, you may already do most of these things.

Why do people flirt?  For the most part, people do it because it’s fun.  Often times, it’s not even done consciously.  But it can also imply a more serious interest or be used to network to advance a career.  It has evolved as a way for two people to express an interest in each other (or, in the case of one, a lack thereof) without breaking any social rules and without exposing either party to embarrassment.  It doesn’t necessarily involve double entendres and a lot of touching.  In fact, because flirting is meant to be subtle, appropriate, and light-hearted, people often flirt with friends, strangers they aren’t interested in, or their non-preferred sex.  This is why you shouldn’t stress out about flirting.  It’s not the same as asking someone out or making a declaration of love.  It says, “I think you are good-looking and I would like to talk to you for a while.”  Of course, you don’t actually say that.  And she doesn’t actually accept or reject your interest.  It is done with eye contact, facial expressions, body language, and words.  For example, if you don’t know someone but would like to talk with her, the first step is to make eye contact.  Does she look away and avoid making eye contact again?  Then she likely isn’t interested in talking with you. If she looks back and smiles, that’s a sign that she might like to talk to you.  That is your opening to say hello and ask her a question related to where the two of you are or what you’re doing.  The content of the answer doesn’t really matter.  What’s important is the type of answer she gives.  If she ignores you or gives you a monosyllabic response, this means that you should go talk to someone else.  If she keeps talking to you, you’re ready to begin flirting in earnest.  If you have a friend who seems to be able to walk up to any girl and start a good conversation, start watching him more closely.  There’s probably a lot of smiling and eye contact going on that gives him the hint that she’d be receptive to his approach. 

There’s no reason to get upset if someone doesn’t feel like talking to you.  Chances are you have your own seemingly arbitrary standards regarding attractiveness and character when it comes to people you’re interested in, too.  Maybe you’re just not her type.  Or maybe she’s had a bad week.  She’s not a bitch (okay, she might be, but merely not being into you doesn’t make her one) and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with you.  And if you think about it, she didn’t actually reject you.  She just didn’t feel like discussing the weather or wasn’t impressed with the bar.  At least that’s what was said, right?  That’s the beauty of flirting.  You’ve saved yourself a lot of confusion and worry for the low, low price of some smiles, eye contact, and thirty seconds of small talk. 

Once you’re having a conversation with someone, you can try several things to show your interest, but make sure you don’t come across as too serious.  This can be intimidating for the person you’re talking to and takes the fun out of flirting.  Ask some questions about her family and hobbies (many people like

talking about themselves!).  She’ll be flattered that you’re interested in her as a person.  Plus, you’ll see if the two of you have anything in common.  If she says something funny, laugh.  Tell her you enjoy her sense of humour.  Try to be funny yourself.  People like others who are fun to be with and who make them laugh.  Compliment her once or twice but don’t over do it.  If you seem too into her right away it can make her feel overwhelmed.  Balance out the compliments with a healthy dose of teasing.  Find things about her that you can good-naturedly rip on.  Teasing is one way many people show interest and affection, and it is one of the most important parts of flirting.  Just don’t pick anything that is likely to hurt her feelings or make you feel like a jerk. 

Once the two of you are laughing together, there are some other “tricks” you can try.  Subtly mimic her movements.  Be careful, however.  You want to give her the impression that you’re interested, not that you’re copying her.  Lean into her occasionally when she’s telling you something.  Ladies can apply lip gloss, play with their hair, arch their backs, and twirl a foot while their legs are crossed in order to draw attention to her body.  You can make light, physical contact by touching her hand or arm briefly as you talk.  If she does the same back or moves closer to you, that’s a good sign.  If she moves away, avoids eye contact, or starts texting on her phone, you had probably better say goodbye.  There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.  You were having fun, right?  And that’s what flirting’s all about.  It’s a risk-free way of gauging interesting before asking for someone’s number or if she’d like to go on a date.