The Art of Flirting

A lot of people find flirting intimidating and complicated.  Admittedly, it can be complicated—but, it doesn’t have to be.  Flirting a fun way of subtly and indirectly expressing interest in someone.  Most people do it without even thinking about it.  You don’t say you’re interested; you say or do certain things that imply your interest in getting to know someone better.  Making lots of eye contact, smiling, laughing, making physical contact, mirroring the other person’s movements, giving compliments, and teasing can all be a part of flirting (although none of these is always flirtatious).  In fact, you may already do most of these things.

Why do people flirt?  For the most part, people do it because it’s fun.  Often times, it’s not even done consciously.  But it can also imply a more serious interest or be used to network to advance a career.  It has evolved as a way for two people to express an interest in each other (or, in the case of one, a lack thereof) without breaking any social rules and without exposing either party to embarrassment.  It doesn’t necessarily involve double entendres and a lot of touching.  In fact, because flirting is meant to be subtle, appropriate, and light-hearted, people often flirt with friends, strangers they aren’t interested in, or their non-preferred sex.  This is why you shouldn’t stress out about flirting.  It’s not the same as asking someone out or making a declaration of love.  It says, “I think you are good-looking and I would like to talk to you for a while.”  Of course, you don’t actually say that.  And she doesn’t actually accept or reject your interest.  It is done with eye contact, facial expressions, body language, and words.  For example, if you don’t know someone but would like to talk with her, the first step is to make eye contact.  Does she look away and avoid making eye contact again?  Then she likely isn’t interested in talking with you. If she looks back and smiles, that’s a sign that she might like to talk to you.  That is your opening to say hello and ask her a question related to where the two of you are or what you’re doing.  The content of the answer doesn’t really matter.  What’s important is the type of answer she gives.  If she ignores you or gives you a monosyllabic response, this means that you should go talk to someone else.  If she keeps talking to you, you’re ready to begin flirting in earnest.  If you have a friend who seems to be able to walk up to any girl and start a good conversation, start watching him more closely.  There’s probably a lot of smiling and eye contact going on that gives him the hint that she’d be receptive to his approach. 

There’s no reason to get upset if someone doesn’t feel like talking to you.  Chances are you have your own seemingly arbitrary standards regarding attractiveness and character when it comes to people you’re interested in, too.  Maybe you’re just not her type.  Or maybe she’s had a bad week.  She’s not a bitch (okay, she might be, but merely not being into you doesn’t make her one) and there’s not necessarily anything wrong with you.  And if you think about it, she didn’t actually reject you.  She just didn’t feel like discussing the weather or wasn’t impressed with the bar.  At least that’s what was said, right?  That’s the beauty of flirting.  You’ve saved yourself a lot of confusion and worry for the low, low price of some smiles, eye contact, and thirty seconds of small talk. 

Once you’re having a conversation with someone, you can try several things to show your interest, but make sure you don’t come across as too serious.  This can be intimidating for the person you’re talking to and takes the fun out of flirting.  Ask some questions about her family and hobbies (many people like

talking about themselves!).  She’ll be flattered that you’re interested in her as a person.  Plus, you’ll see if the two of you have anything in common.  If she says something funny, laugh.  Tell her you enjoy her sense of humour.  Try to be funny yourself.  People like others who are fun to be with and who make them laugh.  Compliment her once or twice but don’t over do it.  If you seem too into her right away it can make her feel overwhelmed.  Balance out the compliments with a healthy dose of teasing.  Find things about her that you can good-naturedly rip on.  Teasing is one way many people show interest and affection, and it is one of the most important parts of flirting.  Just don’t pick anything that is likely to hurt her feelings or make you feel like a jerk. 

Once the two of you are laughing together, there are some other “tricks” you can try.  Subtly mimic her movements.  Be careful, however.  You want to give her the impression that you’re interested, not that you’re copying her.  Lean into her occasionally when she’s telling you something.  Ladies can apply lip gloss, play with their hair, arch their backs, and twirl a foot while their legs are crossed in order to draw attention to her body.  You can make light, physical contact by touching her hand or arm briefly as you talk.  If she does the same back or moves closer to you, that’s a good sign.  If she moves away, avoids eye contact, or starts texting on her phone, you had probably better say goodbye.  There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.  You were having fun, right?  And that’s what flirting’s all about.  It’s a risk-free way of gauging interesting before asking for someone’s number or if she’d like to go on a date.